*edit* I'm sorry but this isn't worth reading... just another crazy girl ranting. So just skip it. *

I haven't written anything in a while... I guess that could be both good and bad. I've been rather busy with school and this new part time job to think of anything other than that really. I think I've forgotten about myself too lol.

Anyways I'm not sure why I'm writing... probably cause I'm oober depressed... sad... angry.. its all a combination and I don't know what to feel. I kind of just wish it would all end. Be a whole lot easier that way.

I cant stop crying right now... I'm kind of hoping that if I write all this out It will stop. Unfortunately I don't think it will. I'm not even sure what to write now that I'm typing lol.
 
I'm just tired of living in this house. Its like being stuck in a prison cell with the one person that can make me this angry and emotional. No other person on the face of this earth has ever done this to me.  Honestly I don't understand how he does it. Its like he makes me mad and then makes me cry and you know whose fault it is .... according to him its mine. Its my fault because I raised my voice when he was being calm (yeah right) its my fault because I was screaming when he was whispering (ugh). It was all my fault because I like to fight and argue and scream and hollar and cry. I'm to one that went searching for every little argument that happens. Its all my fault because I wanted this to happen.

Its like he is god and can do not wrong. Its never his fault that anything goes wrong.  Its mine mine mine.. or someone who happens to fall in the wake of his godly wrath. Anything he has ever done wrong is somehow okay or somehow not his fault.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I do cause the fights. But honestly I don't understand that since he is the only person. I mean I'm sure that I cause some... but every stinking fight. 

It scares me that I actually consider that fact.... that maybe it is my fault. It scares me because I feel that his whole big mind game is finally getting to me. Honestly its like everything he does is to mess with your poor mind in some way. Everything from being nice to being the ass that he is. At times I can hate him with a passion and other times I think he is the greatest.  Its so frustrating to feel that way. I wish that  I could just keep hating him for what he does.. but I'm so horrid at staying mad. Not to mention he acts like nothing happened 2 hours later.

Some how two hours later everything is back to normal with him. We never resolve any issues just let them go. I so badly wish we could... just get it all over with. But that would never happen cause he just gets madder. The worst fights are when you tell him how he acts and what he does. Then he just gets worse... get so angry that its sometimes scary. Somehow not dealing with these feelings makes me feel numb. Cause I just let it all go away like nothing. Its like I never really have any feelings.

I guess I wish I could just move away from it... but really there is no where for me to go. I don't have enough money I cant work more cause I have school and so on and so on. I'm just stuck here and I want out... so sometimes I wish I could just be dead. It seems so much easier that way. Nope for some reason I cant do that... something stops me from ever doing that to myself. I just got to keep going I guess. Learn that some days are better than others and some day I wont deal with this.. someday Ill be able to move out. Lord I pray its someday soon though.

well if you read this I'm sorry you did... its really not worth reading... I just had to let that out somewhere I guess... give my feelings some validation. Let them actually mean something other than hiding them again. I'm sure Ill feel better in a couple hours I always do. lol. So I'm just going to walk my ass to the metro and go study for a couple hours before class. Go lose myself in something other than these thoughts

Funny Moments in Life (not to mention I love old people)

What beauty is there in something so old... so worn... ?

The beauty of a soul that has gained character.... someone that has stories upon their face and in their words.... someone who has so much to share with every word.

So today I went to renew my medical insurance card thingy... so I had to wait. It wasn't that bad of a wait but I was siting there and this adorable old man came in and had some trouble with his number and well there were no seats left and I let him have mine right next to my father. Well as we were waiting my dad randomly started to talk to him. This old man happen to have a bag filled with all sorts of jokes and riddles and trick pictures.

I was amazing to watch them talk. To see this old man so content on sharing a good laugh with someone else. The even more amazing thing was to watch the smile continue from one person to the next down the row of seats as they listened to them talk. Moments like that give me hope that people out there are still kind.

The Ironic part about this is that towards the end he showed my dad a picture of himself dressed as the bishop of a catholic church (he isn't it was a joke). Now the best part was this mans last name. Landry! So it turns out that somewhere down the line I'm probably related to this man. What a small world. I just laughed and couldn't stop smiling for a good long while.

So yeah... if you haven't gotten the fact that I like old people... I do. What better to watch someone who has had time to live there life and developed into their own person. What better to spend time with someone like that.... to get to hear their stories and jokes. I hope that someday I will be a fun old lady that someone meets on the bus or waiting in line to do some boring, annoying thing. I hope that I will bring a smile to someone's face just as so many old folks have done to me.

So after that my dad and I went to the Atwater market... it was fun we ate a bite and walked around staring at all the fruit lol.. I like fruit and staring at it. Which is what I'm about to do cause we bought a strawberry basket. I hope they are good... cause they looked so good that I paid too much for them.. hehe Not to mention that registering for classes has be frustrated. Luckily remembering my day has cheered me up and I'm looking forward to those scrumdidlyumcious strawberries.

have a good day

mags

New Place...New Friends... New Everything... Time to explore

Well that's a picture of the city I now live in. I still don't know if I like it or not. but I have gotten more comfortable with it I suppose. I don't feel as lost as I did when we first moved here. So I suppose that maybe I will eventually grow happy here. I have to admit that I can still picture my life living in the same small town all my life near dear friends. (aww Sarah we cant make our kids like each other so we can hang out all the time if I stay).

So the last couple of days have been pretty good. First day my dad and I painted my room. Well most of it I still have to paint some design on it. Ill have to admit I got very frustrated when we tried to go get paint. Not to mention WalMart didn't have peanut m &m's. I'm not sure what that was all about but my mom tried to get me to get the smarties instead. *sigh* they just aren't the same.

Any who the day after that I did something kinda crazy. I went and explored the city. Well the metro and some of the city with my new friend Patrick. It was a lot of fun. It was raining all day but it was still fun. I have to admit I kind of enjoyed the rain. Well after figuring out some of the metro we went to this  mountain in the middle of the city. Yes! I said it right a mountain on an island in the middle of the city. This isn't a hill like all the "mountains" in Missouri.  We went swinging in the rain and walked around. It was pretty ... actual grass and trees and such. So that was a lot of fun and Hopefully Patrick and I get to hang out some more and get to know each other more. He actually kinda reminds me of Lizzy in some ways. (I LOVE YOU LIZZY... NO OFFENSE TO PATRICK BUT NO ONE CAN REPLACE YOU ) Oh I cant forget to tell you guys that the guys who sold me the metro tickets tried to sell me kids tickets lol. why do I have to look 12. Oh well I had to laugh at that.

Then today my mom and I took the metro to get to this thing I had to go to at school. The school thing sucked but it was nice to hang out with my mom. We road the metro and talked and then we walked on a road with a bunch of stores. I actually knew some of the stores so that was cool but a lot of them are High names stuff. Not so much Magali's bag of cookies. After that we hoped back on the metro to my aunts house. It was nice to go hang out with them there. I haven't gotten to see my aunt really since I have gotten back. and now I'm here

So all and all ... I might be able to live here... who knows only time will tell but things are looking up now and well hopefully Pat and I will be better friends and I will make new friends. Ohhh... and school will hopefully go okay. I'm a little nervous about that. I don't know why. I am excited though... I'm kinda excited about my math class. lol I know I'm a dork.

so any who I love you guys

mags

Thanks to www.pbase.com/nrondeau for the picture.